The Beginning of a New Year

Half an hour before midnight we all went outside, into the cold night. We walk through the snow. I always have enjoyed snow, and still do. But I am a bit pissed that we all are going out together. I had wanted to go to the cemetery, alone, to celebrate the beginning of the New Year in a different way than usual.

But I cannot "escape" when everybody else is around. So I keep with the group. We walk through the snow onto a small hill, from where we can have a look over the valley. New Years firework rockets go up everywhere in the distance.

B is constantly near A, as it has been during the whole day. I am pissed. The day before had been so promising, but now all hope seems to have gone.

Church bells begin to ring, more firework rockets go up, the New Year has begun. Some people in our group light candles.
Good bye, 1980. Welcome, 1981. We all shake hands and wish each other the best wishes for the new year.

Then suddenly a stroke of an idea. I walk towards B, shake her hand, "I wish you a happy new year 1981 with everything what ever you wish", and I hug B and kiss her - on the cheek.

That was something I never had done. Well, I did it back in March on S's birthday. But that was together in the company of my two other friends... Here now in this situation, I was alone. It was my idea, my initiative. Again I had moved forward, had done something I had not done ever before, but something that I plan to do much more often.

B appeared to be confused. But also did show some joy, a smile. I definitely saw that, it was not only wishful thinking.

Nobody else did this, kiss her.

Someone has a bottle of sparkling wine, which is handed around. I take a few large gulps, I do enjoy the taste of Champagne very much. We are walking through the town. I want to walk next to B, but she evades. Either goes faster than me, or slower, deliberately. Was I wrong in my assessment of the situation? I do not understand. The Champagne begins to act in my head.

St comes closer, says "there is nothing you can do. It is pointless". Oh, how much does she know? And what exactly does she mean? I am laughing loud about the jokes which some are making, but my laughter is in reality a hidden crying.

We all go back into the lodge. I sit together with St instead of with B, who is somewhere away in her room. St seems to understand everything, but I understand nothing.